They say an ordinary man makes his own mistakes while a wise man learns from the mistakes of others. I read Guy Kawasaki’s post on life-lessons in hindsight many months ago. Now Guy is many, many moons older than me, so he has a long list. But on reflection, I came up with 7 lessons I have learnt so far in life. The wise men and women who read this blog may find them interesting.
1. Forgiveness is an under-rated virtue.
I learnt that the moment we forgive, especially those who you think wronged you very badly, we enjoy an incomparable feeling of freedom from that moment on.
I have forgiven one person who was a major influence in my life, and against whom I had little power and therefore a substantial and justifiable grudge. How justifiable? Well, some others are still astounded that I forgave her.
How did I do it? By keeping an open mind and by being willing, for one day, to put myself in her shoes. When I did, I knew I could not have made the choices she did and that in itself stopped me criticising her, being angry with her or generally being a pompous arsehole.
I feel better, lighter and happier. On a positive note, I have since enjoyed better relationships, which could have been hampered by the huge chip on my shoulder.
2. Guilt is a burden on one’s soul. In other words, do reserve some forgiveness for yourself.
If I feel bad about something, it usually involves my intentionally hurting someone. I do not carry the guilt around. Either I get over it, or I telephone or meet the person and apologise and mean it. Sometimes I find people do not even know I have hurt them, but the honesty has never been wasted. It is worth a try.
3. Regret is useless, unless the wages of regret are spent on making positive life changes.
Looking back, I regret none of the choices I have ever made, including the very difficult choice of living alone, for all practical purposes, as a 17-year old girl in one of the most un-emancipated/ backward states in India.
4a. Feeling sorry for oneself is the greatest waste of time.
My experience tells me that it is always worth remembering that there is always someone whose life is harder than yours.
4b. Corollary to 4a. above: Counting what I have, not what I do not have, always makes me happy.
I have never felt the aching sense of constant dissatisfaction that punctuates the lives of many people I know.
I count my good health, my education, my working brain, my good relationships with many, many more people than some who tried to screw me over, my life opportunities. Above all, I count being the beneficiary of unconditional love from people, who are not my parents.
I do not feel the need for shopping or possessions because my happiness comes from things that cannot be bought. Really.
5. It is good sense to invest a bit of yourself. Not just in terms of money but in terms of attention, love and time which are dearer than money.
I invest in maintaining my health, my mental growth and development, my relationships. I invest time, money and genuine attention. I reap benefits many times over. I give more because I have more to give, when I am not aching here and there, not sick, not wanting, not angry.
6. Get over it.
I was recently told my optimism is “irritating” and that sometimes, it feels like I am OD-ing on Prozac.
I smiled and got over it. And I am still optimistic.
So, what lessons of hindsight would you like to share? I tag the following people for this meme: DejaPseu, Feanor, Nita, SuburbanLife, Harini.
But please run with the meme if you like. Do let me know if you do.
Addendum – you can now find the meme responses here:
Dejapseu, Feanor, Harini and…
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
This is a beautiful meme Shefaly and as it’s not directly personal, I would love to do it. My approach maybe a little different, but that is what makes memes interesting!
Great lessons of life there. I love it. Let me live it.
But the other side of the life is:
Shefaly.. hehhhe corollary
I somehow felt 2 and 4a a little contradicting, I mean I do agree that feeling sorry for oneself is a waste, but sometimes, it does feel ok to sympathize with oneself, and get over it.
As for as forgiveness goes, I do agree it is really an underrated virtue and so is forgetting. I mean some times things deserve to be forgiven and forgotten.
Empathy.
Also, do not shelf, or put on hold, your passion. It may seem like a good idea at the time to forget about it and then come back to it “when you have time,” but that day may never come. So, make an effort to at least do a little nurturing of your passion each and every day (or week, at the absolute least), and you will find your world a more enjoyable place to inhabit! Thanks, Shefaly!
You must like Marcus Aurelius a fair bit. Which is just fine, really.
Shefaly, this was an amazing adaptation of Kawasaki’s original, which I remember reading sometime back.
It’s good to know that you’ve found forgiveness to be a healing tool; unfortunately, I find it to be a very difficult task. I have tried various times in the past to forgive some people, but it doesn’t work out for me. I get more bitter from within. Maybe I should find a way of divesting that energy towards something positive.
P.S- This post was on the WP.com news page.
I agree with “Regret is useless, unless the wages of regret are spent on making positive life changes.” Since so many people said it in black and white style, that regret is just for a looser. Regreting something is good for some appopropriate reason. It could make us wiser and coutious.
@ Nita: Thanks and I shall look forward to reading your post.
@ SulochanOsho: Thanks for your note. I cannot say with confidence I understood your comment though
Too profound but it may have something to do with reading it just after waking up…
@ Rambler: Thanks. The two do not contradict because feeling sorry for oneself is not the same as forgiving oneself (which has to be being truly sorry for a mistake or mis-step!). I also think forgetting is neither easy nor useful. It is valuable to remember what upset us so we ourselves do not perpetuate it.
@ Worth: Thanks. And those are great points. About empathy, I feel when I am ‘sorted’, I have more to give and it is not a conscious effort. About passion, well to paraphrase Sun’s line: The Passion Is The Life (said like – the network is the computer)
But perhaps remembering it, esp on low days, would be a great morale booster.
@ Necromancer: Thanks. Rational Virtue? Definitely. What other kind is there?
@ Ruhi: Thanks – but this is NOT an adaptation of Guy’s post. These are life lessons I have learnt. May be I should edit the text to make it more clear. I saw his list about a year ago and then thought I should think about mine. This post has been in “drafts” for about 6 months
About forgiveness, I think one has to assess whether one is being too sensitive about something too. Minor irritants have to be set aside and ignored. In my experience the long term effect of something is always over-estimated in the short run. If it is unlikely to impact your life hugely, then as they say – don’t sweat the petty things (and don’t pet the sweaty things). On reflection you will realise how insignificant some people were but at the time you let them occupy your mental bandwidth so tremendously… And before you think this is too Californian New-Agey BS, I should say that this is purely experiential.
The story I cite was a very big deal for me. As I said the power imbalance was enormously not in my favour. My life has turned out very different due to the person’s presence but since there is nothing I regret after all, there is no blame.
On WP.com news page? Hmm. Thanks for letting me know.
@ Gunady: Thanks and welcome to my blog. Empty regret is easier to practise too; when we have to put our money where our mouths are, we rethink things.
//I feel better, lighter and happier.//I 100%agree with you on that.When you don’t forgive people you are miserable too.
// Guilt is a burden on one’s soul. In other words, do reserve some forgiveness for yourself//This one is difficult at least for me.
//I give more because I have more to give, when I am not aching here and there, not sick, not wanting, not angry.//you are so right.
// It is good sense to invest a bit of yourself. Not just in terms of money but in terms of attention, love and time which are dearer than money.// This is the most important point according to me.I am learning to do this.
I so appreciated your blog entry here. Good reminders of how i can be in this world!
A life’s lesson for me: When i react (inwardly) to a situation- i am learning to step back and ask myself if the reaction comes from a past experience, or the present experience- the answer helps me to determine whether to respond outwardly or continue to work on my own stuff.
and to add to that, also by stepping back i give time to shift perspective a bit, a space, a breath.
This is a constant learning!
Thanks for listening- Linda
There is one quote I remembered after reading the post” “Forgive your enimies, Nothing can humiliate them more”. Perhaps it should have been: “Forgive your enimies, Nothing can humiliate them more and Releive you as much”.
Destination Infinity.
@ Prerna: Thanks. If the intent is right, I don’t see why one should carry the burden of guilt. In my experience, I have seen if I resolve it and move on, it is much easier.
@ Wildsynergy: Welcome to my blog and thanks for your note. It took me months to finish this post as I wrote it slowly, reflecting – or you say, stepping back – to think.
@ DestinationInfinity: Thanks for your note. I daresay if the intent is to humiliate, I think the point of forgiveness is lost. Besides, they can only be humiliated if you tell them, no? Sometimes people we hold a grudge against do not even know they have hurt us. For me, forgiveness is entirely personal and if it surprises someone, I expect it will be a pleasant surprise.
Hi Shefaly,
Am behind in my blog reading, and just saw this today. Very cool meme, am working on something which should be up in a couple of days.
Its wonderful blogs like this that make me realize that I have a long path of evolution ahead. Hopefully I can write about this in say, 5 years!
@ DejaPseu: Thanks for writing a lovely response!
@ Priyank: Thanks for your kind words.
I’ve found, as you have, it seems … that forgiveness is something we do for OURSELVES. Carrying a grudge that I replay over and over in my mind is a very unkind way to treat myself. Thanks for the reminder.
Blessings, Lynne
Thanks for the link to the speech on Guy’s blog.
brilliant… something that i was looking for on this mundane saturday… thanks…ur gifted…revel in that…!
{ 1 trackback }