On being "Auntie"

For as long as I can remember, I have always been someone’s “auntie”. Even when I was 5 or 6, in a close-knit extended family like ours, it was always possible to have a nephew or niece who was older, much older but called you “auntie” or an appropriate Hindi word for your specific relation. You see, unlike in English, in Hindi, we have different names for different aunties. The father’s sister is “Bhua” while mom’s sister is “Maasi” (lit. like a mother). Mother’s brother’s wife is “Maami” while father’s elder brother’s wife is “Taai” and his younger brother’s wife is “Chaachi“. Cultural lesson out of the way, I am “auntie” to people aged 2 to 42 years of age. This repertoire includes my friends’ children, and sons and daughter of my sibling and my many cousins.

I recently came across Savvy Auntie, a community for Aunties, whom it classifies as “auntie by relation” or “auntie by choice”.

What can I say about that classification apart from that it is not adequate?

How about “auntie by being”? That is the kind of “auntie” I am. I just am. An “auntie by being” is chosen by a child to be the recipient of his or her trust. Isn’t that the most important thing in this relationship?

I like children, especially from the age, when they have begun talking a lot, with their limited vocabulary trying to keep up with their unlimited curiosity. This is the age that parents dismiss as “terrible twos”. This is also the age that an auntie like me loves. It requires me to draw on my pool of patience, deep empathy, encyclopedic knowledge and my instinct for children’s welfare. I was a hyper-curious child with a patient, encouraging father. I am glad I have learnt that skill from him.

Auntie-dom also pre-requires a lot of trust from parents, who really need to be confident enough not to see an auntie as some kind of threat to their authority, but as the “other responsible adult”. Indeed two friends, at different points in time, have asked me if I wouldn’t mind having their children given to me, should, heavens forbid, anything happen to both of the parents. I love their kids, don’t get me wrong, but I have no desire that this option ever needs invoking.

Parents also need to believe that the other responsible adult has the good judgement to know what tool – positive or negative reinforcement – to use in a given situation. There is nothing worse to dampen the enthusiasm of an auntie than a parent, who welcomes all gifts and baby-sitting but gets cross at any attempt at disciplining, even if it is as simple as saying “no”.

What value, sceptics ask, can a non-parent possibly add to a child? Plenty, I think.

Children are the only products where all sales are final and there is no user’s manual. I believe parenting – or quasi-parenting – is largely an instinct, and can also be a learnt skill. This is true with most people, including those who are not parents.

A friend recently said to me that she planned to leave her kids in the care of their godmother for a day. Then on a visit to the godmother’s house, the mother noticed that the godmother let the 2-year old girl play with a ribbon (if that doesn’t worry you, read on; children can suffocate themselves by tying it around their neck and that is what they most often do with ribbons). The mother started having second thoughts. She said to me, “I’d feel much safer if you had my kids with you that day; with you, they are safe; you know how to preempt disasters and prevent accidents”. The point of the story is that parenting and childcare essentially requires a strong sense of dangers and to know when and how to protect the child and when and how to let him/ her learn.

There is also the possibility of benefiting from auntie’s abstraction abilities. When a friend was toilet-training her 2 year old boy, I saw him in agony and suggested that the dad, not the mom, take charge of this activity, since he had the wherewithal to teach by showing rather than by theorising. The mother was astonished at the insight. I was just glad to help. For her, it was a parenting milestone; for me, it was a practical issue. Besides I could not bear to see a little boy walking with his legs held tightly together. This is a story I do not wish to repeat in front of the boy who is now 8!

As an auntie, I am also useful for my life experience. I am at hand with help for French homework or general technical questions. And of late, I am a general counsellor to nephews and nieces starting undergraduate or graduate degrees. Through my recent University experience, and my broader industry and life experience, I bring insights that the parents, who are much older, cannot always manage. I know about quotidian things like funding and essential things like social life and the costs associated with it. I know about the important stuff like placement services, alumni network and teaching quality, as well as pastoral care. And I am as available or as distant as they wish me to be. At all times, they can trust me to keep their welfare as paramount.

It is also important for a good auntie to keep track of a child’s interests. If a child loves horses, why send her fairy tales as a birthday present? Staying tuned is key. It is also important to know that at some time, you may go from being “auntie in England” to “one who always sends books” but I am not doing it for any prizes. I am however all for inculcating broad reading habits in children so a little rough goes with the smooth.

Particularly in the Indian context, an auntie could play a vital role freeing up a child’s imagination. In the Indian culture, we often equate the idea of respect with non-questioning, quiet acquiescence, non debate and non curiosity. Parents end up reinforcing this model since this is the only model of parenting they have seen. I have more leeway to encourage debate and discussion which helps independent thought, clarity of opinion and indeed an informed opinion. Since my views are bound to be different from the parents’, the child hopefully learns to evaluate things at their merit rather than the authority of “because I told you so”.

And when that age comes, when the children do not want to discuss everything with parents, I am still here to talk without judgement but always with their welfare in mind. In fact, the experience of organisations such as Big Brothers Big Sisters of America shows that independent adult advice, such as from aunties or mentors, helps reduce emotional problems as well as issues such as experimentation with drugs and casual sex etc. It can only be good, no?

What is the reward? Well, what is the reward in anything at all, one could ask. I am a naturally optimistic person. I believe that if is it worth bringing children into the world, it is worth giving them time and attention. Yes, even to other people’s children.

Recently I looked after the 8-year old son of one of my closest friends for 3 days while the parents were away in America. When his mother rang to speak with him at night, he said: “Ma, this has been the best day of my life!” I was sitting across from him on the smaller sofa, while he lay on his tummy on the big sofa, holding the phone to his ear.

If that unqualified endorsement is not a reward, I don’t know what is.

Tagged as: adults, aunties, children, community, family, friendships, parenting, relationships, society